Being a good friend isn't for the weak
For my birthday dinner some moons ago, I booked a restaurant a month in advance because it was the one place that made that one dish that everyone suddenly discovered. Dosas.
I did the whole waking up groggy on a school night to contiuously refresh the Resy app starting at 11:55PM.
Within seconds past midnight, tables were flying off availability. Vultures or foodies? Hard to tell in the dark.
I snagged a coveted six seater at 5:30PM in June to start the birthday evening fun early.
Dinner invites were sent carefully and lovingly, as I reconciled who would be best suited to attend and whether the table would vibe. Having "friend-in-laws" meet for the first time can be tricky, so once I landed on the guest list, I knew it was definitive.
And that's why when one friend decided to cancel as I was en-route to said dinner, I was disappointed. After the toiling, the planning, the giddiness of seeing my friends mingling on behalf of my birthday, I read the murky explanation for why canceller couldn't make it and decided, damn when did we get so negligent with our friends?
In recent years, I've seen the normalization of "cancelling plans". I understand things happen, I understand there are emergencies + unplanned scenarios (I did get stuck in my apartment elevator for 30 minutes which made me very late to a brunch at Jack Wife's Frieda, it happens!!) but normalizing or even glamourizing cancelling plans due to relief in social anxiety (with meeting someone you call a friend???) is pansy pandering.
When we look up the word "friend", Merriam-Webster states multiple definitions including, "one attached to another by affection or esteem", "one that is not hostile" (okay so anyone who isn't a hater? low bar Merriam but appreciated), and my favorite, "a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war, see also: Quaker". Shout out to Quakers, they made the #GOAT OAT.
Simon Sinek (that guy) defines friendship as "two people who agree to grow together". Aristotle (that other guy) defined friendship as "a single soul dwelling in two bodies". Cute, aligned, but where is the accountability?
The guy who I think talks about friendship the way I see it is poet Khalil Gibran, who wrote "Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity".
Yes. A sweet responsibility. And never an opportunity. Yes, this isn't a way to enrich yourself. Jerks make horrible friends, and we will talk about this in an upcoming edition!
So back to sweet responsibility. That's the pact I see myself conducting in my friendships. It's a responsibility to the other person. And often, that means...being inconvenienced. Which can taste bitter.
That means the slog of texting a friend when they're having a bad day. That means hauling chunks of cheddar and wheels of brie alongside diapers filled with chocolate for your friend's baby shower. That means picking up your friend from the airport or dropping them off, or both. That means picking up the phone after you put your kid to bed for the third time and catching up on your friend's wedding plans. That means taking the extra half-hour to pick up Trader Joe snacks for the friends who live far from one. That means mailing things: cards, letters, flowers, postcards months after travels, books, backpacks for grad school!
There's a mindset that friendships that feel "easy" and not "work" are actually the ones that don't need time, effort, or care. I would argue that the "easiest" friendships I have are with the friends that are exhibiting the same level of responsibility and care as you are.
One of the easiest friendships I have is with a friend from college and we've done multiple hard things together now. We've traveled internationally, we've shared multiple hotel rooms for multiple days, we've attended a wedding, we roomed together to watch a concert at the Sphere, we've partied and we've managed to stay in touch despite our insane schedules. I think it's easy because we recipocate the same level of responsibility and care. Oh you booked the Uber for dinner? Okay I'll cover dessert. You handled figuring out the hours on the Hello Kitty icecream spot? Oh I'll help find white pants from Mango that will work best with the cute top you're wearing to the concert. Oh the airport lounge is full? I saved you a table, come right on in and take mine.
I would consider this a golden friendship. They are rare, precious, and like my Catbird bracelets, I am lucky to have more than one. But, not all friendships are like this and that is okay. I'd just say, if you want golden friends, you need to show up ready to recipocate responsibility and care in the friendship.
And it doesn't have to be the same for every one of your friends. Some friendships are sustained by voice memos for years (I love listening to them like my own private podcast), some are in hibernation and suddenly the friend is at your house helping you unpack new furniture because they're in town that weekend. Not all friendships are the same, but if you want golden friendships, more fulfilling friendships, get ready to be responsible and inconvenienced.
So pick up the phone. Send the meme. Make the schlep to the post office. Show up even if you're a little nervous. The right friend will appreciate it.
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Recommendation of the week:
I recently bought this eyecream because as a mother of a small human that is holding down employment and too many sidequests, I need the false look of getting 8 hours of sleep when I'm at my day job. Eyecreams are a mystery to me, and before buying a very pricey one, I thought I'd be fiscally responsible and so far, I'm really loving it. The cool tip helps depuff and I'm already seeing some improvement in my cute racoon eyes to still cute and less racoon-ey. It's been 3 days of putting on AM and PM, and I'm happy to report that it's $30 well spent.